Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
