I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
