Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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