I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
