I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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