sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
