i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
