my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My penis needs a shock collar
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When are your genitals available?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
