Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
