I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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