well I can't set my house on fire every night
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
