I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
she woke up with a sticky ear
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
