just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
