I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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