Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
