All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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