No, drunk sperm still make babies.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Are my feet made of real feet?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
