Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Ladies don't puke and tell
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
