Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
