I wish I could teleport
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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