the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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