I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
