I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
