god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
