I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
