I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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