Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
