Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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