Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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