i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
