I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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