i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
