You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
