He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
