im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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