the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
whose ass print is on the piano?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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