I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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