there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
