she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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