You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
