Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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