Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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