Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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