well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize