like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
