My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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