Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Where is the hickey?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
