It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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