There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
