i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
