I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
