It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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