Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
