yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
