I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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