Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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