she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
